I really wish I could like blow by October, and pretend like it was fine for me not posting anything. Considering I actually had posts planned that were supposed to go up in October, that was truly my bad. Life got the best of me per usual. I feel like I’m always posting bad news on here, and that’s not what my blog is about. But I use this blog as a way for others to not only learn about my interests within this fandom, but to learn a bit more about me as well. Plus I mean, it’s my blog so I can literally talk about whatever I want on here. I’m not sure how long this post will be, but I do know that it’ll be a tad different than what I normally talk about on my blog. I don’t really consider this complaining so much as recapping the very annoying events that have occurred up to now. Also, you’re literally about to be in the mind of a gemini. This post will probably be all over the place and may not even make sense to you, but that’s kind of how my brain works.
Let’s talk about failures
As of recently, I started thinking about all the things I wanted to do in life, but had never gotten around to starting. I know it sounds really crazy, because I’m only 24 and I actually have my “whole life ahead of me.” I thought of all the things I wanted to do, and I wrote down all the reasons why I hadn’t started them. None of it involved anything like lack of money, or buying some sort of equipment. But the one common thing was failure. It is the root of why I have not started many things. I am afraid of rejection, of lack of support. Of people not seeing my full potential. I’m afraid I’m not good enough to do things. I’ve learned, I have an extreme fear of failure. I doubt myself and my skills before even attempting something, because I am convinced already, that I will fail. I’m not sure when I began to think like this. But it’s as if I have these imaginary shackles holding me down, and keeping me from trying anything new. And quite frankly it sucks.
Grad school
Some of you may who follow my personal twitter, know that I am trying to start graduate school (hopefully) in January. I have had very little luck searching for a new job in my degree field. It’s left me discouraged and honestly, depressed.
Life for the last six months has not been fun. Despite graduating college and finishing out my service term with the non-profit org I had worked with for the last two years. I realized maybe a month ago, that my post grad blues had finally began setting in. I was so used to always doing things while in school. I spent my entire college career working both odd jobs, and being a full time and then part time student. When it became just me working and no longer being in school it felt very…strange to me. Something I knew I would have to get used to, but still struggled with. Nonetheless, I stuck it out and managed to finish out my contract. The hard part unbeknownst to me at the time, was the new struggle I’d face now knowing I had to find an actual job in my career field.
It’s been countless interviews after another. I have gone through multiple interview processes with same places only to not even get responses back. It feels maddening. To spend so much time talking to people about my qualifications, and to not even been given the decency to be told “hey we went with someone else, thank you for your time.” Sometimes I feel as if I went to college….for nothing. I have six years worth of experience under my belt in my degree field, but I cant get an entry level position for government jobs, or non-profit orgs. And for months now, I’ve been sending out my resume and filling out job apps in the hopes that someone will just give me a chance to at least prove, I’m capable of working in this field. As much as I didn’t want to go to graduate school, I am now left with no choice. And in two weeks I’ve got to finally suck it up, and submit my application so that I can (hopefully) start school in January. I don’t know…. I feel defeated.
I have never had a good relationship with school. I didn’t like sitting in the classroom. I didn’t like reading articles or books for lecture. I didn’t like working with others in groups. I hated college. Yet here I am now, applying to go back to school for a master’s that I will definitely have to take out more loans for. The little voice in the back of my head started telling me I wouldn’t get in. That I would fail outta grad school. That I would struggle. And I got scared all over again. I started trying to convince myself that maybe I should just take a job I’d hate. But then, I’d be miserable. I don’t want to be miserable.
Content creation: Am I allowed to rest?
Between job searching, I have found that I have more free time to try and do things I enjoy, like playing video games or stream, or watch anime. I found myself so hyper-focused on things like streaming, that I forgot about something that was of great importance to me: my beloved blog. I enjoy streaming (most of the time). I’ve made nice friends, and unfortunately have also lost a couple since streaming. I’m learning new things everyday about content creation in general, and how others choose to operate within this niche. One thing I began to also experience, was burnout. I felt as if I had this constant need to be pushing content out. I needed to have a stream schedule. Or something I have always talked about on my blog before, a posting schedule. I realized that the more this started to become a chore of sorts, the more I began to become uninterested in rolling out content. I said this before especially with my blog, that I was very incapable of busting out posts weekly or daily. It’s not me. It’s not how I operate. And even though I was okay with the current schedule I set for myself, a small part of me felt as if I still wasn’t doing enough. And I began to see the same situation occur in streaming as well.
I consider myself a content creator. I talk about things I enjoy. And I play things I enjoy. Why should it matter if I have a schedule? It really doesn’t. But I found myself being less and less consistent however. And with the weather changing, my mood is severly impacting my ability to write or stream or produce any other type of content. Unfortunately, I did not meet my post minimum for October. I had spent so much time worried about streaming (plus job searching, interviews, etc.) I felt bad if I took a break from streaming, and when I don’t post things on the blog I feel bad as well. I had to take a step back and try and rationalize. I’ve got a lot of shit going on. And while it’s a struggle, I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that its okay for me to rest. It’s okay for me to have off days. To not stream for a while. To not write posts for a while. My blog and stream will always be here. And so will the people who support me. I know my capabilities, but it’s important to recognize my limits. Right now I think I may be reaching my limit. I think that streaming was starting to turn into an escape, and in turn my blog bore the consequence of that.
What’s the blog’s future like?
As of right now, I am not on hiatus. I do plan to get my October posts out, and I will continue doing my best to meet my post minimum. One of my goals within content creation, is to learn to find a balance between the platforms I choose to create content on. I don’t want to prioritize one over the other. And I don’t want to give up one for the other. So while I did say schedules didn’t matter earlier, I do have a somewhat slightly untraditional method I’m going to try, and see if that helps with my posting.
Its yo anniversary!
Sooooo I actually missed my two year anniversary back in September. I had two deaths that occurred in my family literally a week apart from each other during that month. Completely slipped my mind so I am choosing now to celebrate running this blog for two whole years. I still can’t believe I haven’t completely burned it to the ground yet. I really appreciate all those I have met and connected with since deciding to start this blog (y’all know who you are ily!) I remember when you guys first started out tagging me in those twitter things, and I’d get so flustered because some of you actually thought of me woah. Even if I’m grouchy when you guys decide to reply all within tagging me….I still appreciate you for thinking of tagging me in the first place. I decided I wanted to try and be more friendly and started participating in The JCS as well (by the way thank you for the nice comment that was made about me during the September JCS) It’s really nice when I hear someone has decided to try out a show, or read a manga from seeing my ramblings. I know I don’t talk to many of you quite often. It’s mostly because I’m shy but I’m doing my best. Here’s to hoping more people enjoy my chaotic ass blog.
What have we learned so far
I know there is no right way to “do” life. You really have to role with the punches and deal the cards you’ve been given. But it’s hard, and despite all that, I find myself still trying. Still trying to be the best version of me. Still trying to stay positive. Still trying to do meaningful things. I will accomplish everything I set out to do. Even if I fail the first time in doing so. I realize that with failures, come experience. I can’t expect to be good at things I have never even done before. But I can learn to get better at things I’m not good at. Failure is inevitable, and I know this. Its really a matter of training my brain to accept that as well. And while I am quite scared to do things, I should still attempt them. And from my failures and mistakes, I will learn to do better. I’ll learn to be a better content creator and have a solid system of rolling out things. I’ll learn to be more organized when it’s time to start grad school. I’ll get better at job interviews. And I’ll listen to my mind and body when it needs rest. Trial and error I suppose.
Anyway’s if you happen to have made it the end of this post without thinking “wow what a sad b*tch” congrats! You’ve now learned at least one more thing about me. I hope everyone is staying safe and until next post <3
